tantrum

On tuesday, Ryder had his first full fledged tantrum as we were leaving Target.  I had made the mistake of looking for a Mr. Potato head in the Toy Story section, and then leaving the isle empty handed.  Once the tantrum started, it lasted all the way through the check out line, into the parking lot, while I tried to strap him into his car seat, so that we could just get home, and all the way until we actually pulled into our driveway.  He was unglued, I was crying and Eden, who at this point was very hungry, was crying too.  As soon as we got home, Ryder calmed down and I did what I usually do when I question my parenting: I called Kit.  Thank goodness he is in this with me!

As I think back on this scene, I felt embarrassed, humiliated, out of control, beyond angry, and most of all, I felt like I had let Ryder down.  Before his nap, we sat in his tent and talked and prayed and I apologized for yelling and handling him in an unloving way. Ryder is such a sensitive and relational guy.
I don't want to damage that with my actions or my words...

It's funny, but neither of us were ok until we reconciled and made up.  There was such a huge weight that was visibly lifted for both of us.  I prayed that the Lord would go before me and parent me, that I would be attune to what the Lord is doing in Ryder's life and heart.  I prayed for grace, wisdom and patience.  I have such a long road to go but I definitely feel that I'm not alone.

Ryder, 

You are an incredible kid and I am so thankful that I get to be your mom.

I couldn't love you more!  Thank you for your forgiving spirit, your willingness to cuddle and the pats that you give me when I am trying not to cry, and then burst into tears.  I love your hugs and kisses and I am excited to watch us grow...  You are one of the biggest blessings in my life little man and I am honored to be your mom!